BETRAYL

Betrayal

Betrayal is not a feeling
It is a force under which
My heart crumbled.

I know its not the end of the world
but it feels like a part of me has floated away
Away where the smell of the beach stings the eyes and
Doesn't seem to show the pretty sunsets or the beautiful sunrises.

I see those waves but why don't they wash this force of off me.
I see the people running around happily
But why can't they see I need someone to help me
I see where the trees sway
I want to dance with them

But this betrayal seems like it has taken a part of me
Betrayal is not a feeling
It is a force which will kill you
Even if your meant to be breathing.

More than This

I kept quiet when I shouldn't have, i know more than people seem to realize , I find it easier to talk to a stranger and tell them my truths, than to tell my closest friends my darkest secrets

. 

Is this all I am going to be, a person who can't fully reach her potential cause she is just so afraid to talk to someone in fear of being judged. 

But what I don't realise is that I am judging myself more harshly than anyone else can. I can feel the cracks in my barriers because of judgments I give myself. 

My writing may have a million errors but that is because I want the post to be as raw as possible and not looked like made up, because I know the moment I start editing I will not come up with any posts. The truth is that this is my 5th try in writing this post cause I don't want you to know my story for that same fear holds me back, but like i said in my heading  I want more than this, whoever I am today and the person I'll be tomorrow and the day after that and so on.

I made a resolution last year to open up, and I did but not really. No one really knows what is going on in my head but that is not what I really desire. What I want is to have a heart to heart with the right person and to get some feeling of relief than always having this fear of loosing out, loosing out on people, on life, on studies, on myself.

This is not a post about my depressing life, this is a post which i realised today that if read may help another talk, talk about drowning in their own life, talk about wanting a helping hand, hoping they find the release from this feeling that i can't.

My life is amazing, I am in one of the best colleges for my courses, I am living in a place everyone dreams of;  I have more than I can ever want, I have my achievements but am still afraid I'm not enough. Then why is my mind like this?  Is it messed up, or am I making it a mess.

 I am not a mental case , I just don't know how to ask for help.

I have friends but are they even my friends if they know next to nothing about me, is it my fault we talk about everything but me? Is that why I am always left behind?

 I have dreams just because I haven't seen them yet does not meant that they don't exist.

I want to know more, love more, see more, live more. overall, i just want to be More.

More open about what i am, what i wanna be and who i believe i'll always be.

I want more strength to take what is thrown at me, i want to just feel more without having the burden. This burden i can't explain nor describe.

Maybe One day, One day ill be more than who i am today and maybe ill walk further, know more, live more and have a person working hard enough to break my barriers to see me, i will be more independent but not isolated . 

Hope some one reads and relates to this despite its mistakes. 

Maybe one day i'll write a post with zilch mistakes, and hope you'll be here to see it.

Disguised

I see there is a light in the horizon, not the red and yellow one of the sun rise or the sun set but one which is much more beautiful than them. It is the light of Hope, not as white as people usually imagine but rather, it is a mix of colors which somehow mix to make white and not black, but this doesn't mean there is no darkness in it.

Hope is a double edged sharp sword, whose one side may save a life but another may literally end it.

Hope which if broken enough times, crumbles a human being and make them at least depressed and at most UNEMOTIONAL. You might think that being emotionless is much better that being depressed; but in my personal life i know that this is not true.

I have a friend who was assaulted and harassed one too many times, she doesn't show it but she is one of the most strongest people I know, or maybe the most pathetic, I don't meant it in a bad way, truly, I say this from the bottom of my heart.

She is amazing, wonderful and like an open book but if you look hard enough, she never shows her real feelings or maybe she just doesn't know how to express them, you truly think you know what she is thinking or feeling but her walls are so illusive that you cant see her fear or that her heart is racing due to fear. you don't know her insecurities but she is so observant that she can read you as soon as she talks to you.

She had Hope, Hope for someone to see the real her, to understand who she is, understand she needs to feel secure and safe cause she needs to feel which she thinks she is incapable of doing, she doesnt really feel happiness or sadness. she only feels wounded with a wound that is like a balckhole which is sucking everything she is inside.

I didn't tell you guys this story to make you feel bad about her, but rather to tell you her hopes are getting broken slowly a small piece by piece and i truly know that she is not the only one out there feeling this. So maybe, we can all just keep our eyes and ears open and see a person for whom they are rather than who they show or the front they put up.


Sorry, i started with the topic Hope and shifted to something else, but I want to say, be careful whom you give hope, and who gives you hope.

HOPE is black and blue and red and yellow and silver and onyx in color and bene
fits.

When I Look in Your Eyes (Prologue)

When I Look at You                       

                       When I look into your eyes, I feel myself float away and be sucked so deep in your soul that I can almost feel its warmth. The goodness that shines in those eyes makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world.

                         The way you smile stops time and when tears fall from those beautiful warm almond eyes I feel as if I can perceive all the suffering you have gone through and it cracks the stone barrier around my heart.

                        When I see those eyes fill with wonder, I see the starry bubbles in the corner of your eyes.

         

                       When I look into your eyes I see you, the whole you, the darkest parts and the gleaming hearts.

                       I see your kindness and your generosity.

                          You might think I do not know you but in reality you are further from the truth than I am from Pluto.

                           I observe what you like, the way you move, the way smile; the wrinkles on your forehead when you are confused.

                   I know you like Ice Cream and you would eat any flavor but you love butterscotch with a dash of sprinkles on top.

 I know that no matter how many times you fall you will rise up and never show your pain.

I know the only way you can feel is if you are surrounded by people you trust.

I know you want to be seen as cold but inside you are nothing but a crazy funny personality.

I know you like coffee but cannot drink it without a dash of cinnamon in it.

I know you are scared to talk about your past because it not one of the good ones but feel guilty about thinking that because it is not half as bad as of some of the other people you know.

I know you compare yourself to everyone you meet and try to be better than them because you have been looked down on enough.

I know you get angry if someone jokes about abuse because you have seen what it can do to love.

I know a million things about you..................

But you only see what I have shown you.

Long time

Dear readers, 

I know I haven't been very active since the start of this blog but I plan to change that, so my darlings here is what I've planned and maybe you guys would like to hop on my thought express. I would really appreciate it but again it's not everyones game.

I plan to type out some of the feelings or thoughts or actions of the characters in my booknd maybe start another one on here. 

For those of you who do not know I wrote a book by the name of STRANGELY FAMILIAR and I am Khyati Gupta.

Hopefully you all would like it.

So I'll post the first thing in the morning, Tune in for some fun.

STRANGELY FAMILIAR

Dear All,
Though I know there arentany who read this blog but to the ones who do; I've published a book, its name is as the title of the blog says, Strangely Familiar.

Yes I had tons of help with my editor which I know is not a thing to be proud of but I'll still like to thank the people because of whom I've achieved this glory.
Thank you WHITE FALCON PUBLISHING for making my dream come true.

Ok so a little about the book. It's a short novel or as some like to call it a novella Bout the Heartfield family who've been thrusted into a chapter of Thier life where they have to fight to survive, but don't we all.

It's neither a happy story, nor a romantic one. It will be a rollercoaster for all those who dare to read it. It's different in my opinion,but I maybe biased so my dear readers, please do read it and send me your reviews.

Here are the sites and links it's available on:
For people in india🇮🇳♥️
Amazon: https://www.amazon.in/dp/9388459210
WFP Store: https://store.self-publish.in/products/strangely-familiar
ShopClues: https://www.shopclues.com/strangely-familiar-142093642.html
Flipkart: https://www.flipkart.com/strangely-familiar/p/itmfafvahwcmzvha?pid=9789388459211
For people of the world😘
https://www.amazon.com/dp/9388459210
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/9388459210
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/9388459210
https://www.amazon.fr/dp/9388459210
https://www.amazon.de/dp/9388459210
https://www.amazon.es/dp/9388459210
https://www.amazon.it/dp/9388459210

Ebook is also out on Amazon.
Happy reading and please do tell me how you liked it.

With all my love
Khyati Gupta

Teen

Life now a days for teens is not what people say it would be like, in my experience, at all.
 I wish for days when all i can think about is , happiness.
I am happy i know i am but it doesnt feel like it.
 It feels lonely. I know i am not alone. I have my family,friends even my dog still i feel all alone in thjs scary world .
I feel scared of the people around me. Not because i don't trust them but because i cannot trust myself.
I feel fixed and broken at the same time.
Hated and loved by the ones I have dared to open my walls to.
I am free and chained at the same time.
I am spicy and sweet.
I am me and not me at the same time.
I am a teen. Thats all i can say;  I am still finding my light,my path, my guide and my friends.
I embrace this fact of life.
I hope for a settled future but wish fir a better tom.

I hope to be an inspiration but i wish to be inspired
I aspire for life long friends but hope for sisters..
I am a teen.

Love
K